It’s over. And another thing: it’s not me, it’s you.

 

It is one of the unavoidable songs of the year, popping up across the radio dial.  Audible from open car windows, the melody insinuates itself deep inside your head so that all you need to see is the title and the tune starts automatically cycling, as if somebody had hit an invisible button on your forehead marked “Play.”  The song in question is Gotye’s “Somebody that I used to know.”

Sure, there are a host of parodies out there, but to my knowledge nobody has done the golf version.

Well, that’s what I’m here for, folks.

Think about it. The relationship between you and your putter has all the trappings of a romance gone bad.  You hold it gently. The two of you, unlike any other club in your bag, are together, at least briefly, on every hole.  You have a very clear idea of how you’d like to see things work out and, yet, time and again, it just doesn’t seem to work out.  Somehow the two of you just don’t click.  You try, God knows you try, but there comes a point when you just have to accept that the two of you don’t have a healthy relationship.

In the video, a guy (don’t worry, he’s not naked) is looking for something in his garage.  He’s moving stuff around when he comes across a bag of old clubs.  He pulls the putter out, wipes the dust off the grip and, addressing an imaginary ball, goes through his putting routine and stroke.  We then segue into a montage of painful flashbacks: lipouts, balls careening past the hole, balls wobbling to a stop just short of  the rim.  There’s a shot of our protagonist about to putt a three-footer and, behind his back,  you can see his playing partners making the universal sign of gagging with their hands at their throats.  There’s the obligatory shot of him emptying his wallet in the Grill Room after  the round.  You get the idea.  You’ve been there.

So, here is Gotye’s smash hit, as written if the guy played golf:

Now and then I think of when we were together,

Like when we felt there was no putt we couldn’t sink.

Told myself that you were right for me,

But felt so lonely in your company.

But this is golf and it’s an ache I still embrace.

You get addicted to a certain kind of badness,

Like resignation to high scores, always high scores.

So when we found that we could not make putts

Well you said that putting still takes guts,

But I’ll admit that I was glad it was over.

But you didn’t have to miss them all

Make out like it never happened and it’s not your fault

And I don’t even need your love

But you treat me like a duffer and that feels so rough.

No, you didn’t have to stab the ball,

Have my friends take all my money and my pride as well.

I guess that I don’t need you at all,

Now you’re just a putter that I used to use.
So….other than the fact that I actually spent time on this, the scary thing about this is that I didn’t have to change the lyrics much at all.  And that only reinforces my original point.  You’re away.