So here’s what I don’t get. According to everything I’ve read I’m supposed to do the following as I evaluate my next shot: check my lie, the wind, maybe even the ambient humidity, measure or estimate the distance to the target taking into account any changes in elevation, factor in how I’ve been hitting a particular shot or club, and if I’m in a match, take into consideration the situation facing my opponent and/or partner.  But then when I’ve completed that NASA pre-launch checklist I’m supposed to flick a switch and leave the rational/analytic mode behind and become instead something like the Dalai Lama in khakis, serenely and completely in The Present  executing the shot with the mental equanimity of a being totally at one with the flow of existence.

Cool. But there’s a problem. This sequence makes my mind sound like a television.  But where’s the switch?  How do I go from one mode to the next so quickly?   Maybe I’m just too old a model.  After all when I came out of the factory you didn’t come with a remote; you had to get up off the couch to change the channel.

Or am I overlooking something?  Wait a minute, I got it.  Is this what male nipples are for?  I mean why do I have them anyway? And if it is please please tell me that I don’t have to flick them both at the same time.  Putting down the club to do that is going to really slow down my pre-shot routine and I’m trying to play more quickly.  If it takes just one, can one of the mental gurus let me in on the secret and tell me which one? (Note: I’m right-handed).

But seriously folks, finding this switch is the holy grail in golf.  Or at least it is for me.  I played a pretty miserable competitive round (team match play) on Saturday and I’m going on record right now: I am freaking sick of being a head case.  Yeah, yeah I know that a good pre-shot routine is important but that’s not cutting it as ‘the switch’ for me.  Does that safety card in the pouch of the seat in front of you make you feel better when the plane suddenly loses altitude?  No, I didn’t think so.

I know Keegan Bradley has the switch.  That’s how you back up a triple with two birdies.  All the good players have the switch.  I WANT MY OWN GODDAMN IT.  Is there a doctor in the house?