Hey did you get that email from God the other day? Oh, what’s that? You didn’t get it. Ooh, this feels a little awkward.  But, hey, I wouldn’t read too much into it.  I hear his distribution lists have been screwed up ever since he switched over to gmail.  Look, He is the original early adopter so we can’t really fault Him for sticking with the hotmail account for so long, but when something called gmail comes along, I mean really, can you blame Him for switching?  Seriously, though, don’t worry about it. I’ll just cut and paste the text right here.

Hey peeps, it’s the Big Guy.  So whaddya think?  Not bad for six days of work, huh? On schedule all the way.  People ask if it was on budget as well but what do I know from budgets?  Money’s your deal.  That was your invention.  I really don’t want to have anything to do with the stuff.  I keep telling y’all this and you just don’t seem to get it.

But anyway the question keeps coming up about what I do on my day off.  Well I do what any successful guy worth his salt does with his leisure time, I play golf.  That’s right, baby, I tee it up.  But before you go off and cook up all these weird theories about what happens when I do play, let me clue you in on a couple things about my game.  First off, I do what all the gurus of the game advise and I try not to think about a blessed thing when I’m swinging the club. That’s right, I’m not thinking about anything and THAT INCLUDES YOU.  So deal with it.  Let me put it to you this way: if I do think about you as I’m about to hit the ball, I think we both know enough about the game to know that the outcome of that swing isn’t going to be so great.  Now, do you want to be even indirectly responsible for me blowing a shot out there?  I didn’t think so.

Second, although I do keep score, I play mainly for fun.  After all, this is my day off. And  when I take a day off, I take a day off.  So just to be clear ( and believe me I know how important it is to spell things out to you people), I’m not in charge of what happens on the course.  I just let that all go for a couple hours. Normally, when I visualize something it’s WISIWYG all the way: What I See Is What You Get.  Like the platypus and aardvark.  Nailed it. But when I’m playing the Greatest Game ever I don’t know how all it’s going to turn out.  I’ll let that sink in for a second.  That’s right.  I play the game the way you play it.  It’s the only way.  You think I want to stroll up to the ball, do the pre-shot thing, visualize the shot and then have that very shot happen every freaking time? How boring would that be?  For me that would be just another day at the office.  And after years of working on this, and believe me it’s been a while, I’ve realized that relaxation means letting go of worrying about outcomes.  After all, outcomes are basically what I do, and so getting away from all that has been very refreshing AND my game is getting better as well.

And so how do I handle things when they don’t go my way? Like the putt that lipped out on the 13th hole during my customary weekend Nassau with Satan?  What? Are you expecting me to say that I take it like a man?  You’d really set the bar that low?  Wow, I really wonder if I rushed the production on you all just a wee bit.  It was getting kind of late in the week.  But, no, to answer the question, I handle what goes down on the course like a god, of course.  I am serene and unflappable, resting comfortably in the knowledge that what happens has happened for a reason.  Take it from me, that’s the way to play this game.