Okay, now, are you all tucked in? Because Daddy Paul is going to read you a bedtime story. Let’s see now, your Paul Azinger night light is already on, so you don’t have to worry about the Big Bad Government Boogeymen coming and getting you. You’ve got your Natalie Gulbis teddy bear (No, no, no. Remember what we said about inappropriate touching with your stuffed animals? Yes, that’s better.) Alrighty then. Let’s begin.
Long ago, far, far away there was an island called the Land of Sport. One day the brave explorer, Marco Paulo, arrived on its shores. Towering over the beach was a big mountain so Marco climbed it in order to survey this new place. When he arrived at the top he found an old bearded man sitting outside a cave.
“Hello, old wise one,” he said.
“Sup?” asked the old man.
“What is the name of this place?” asked Marco.
“This, my friend, is the Land of Sport,” said the old man.
“What do you mean, Land of Sport?”
“This is the place where you can see all the sports that people have ever played,” replied the old man.
“All of them?” asked Marco.
“Yes, all of them,” said the old man. “Come I will show you.” Marco followed the old man on a narrow trail that led to the other side of the summit where there was a ledge that looked out over a vast valley covered with all variety of playing fields, race tracks, courts and stadiums. Looking out over this valley Marco saw a wooded area covered with trees and bushes.
“What type of game did they play there?” he asked, pointing to the forested area.
“Oh that,” said the old man, “That was the Enchanted Golf Resort. Once upon a time there were magical golf courses there. On one of them all wishes came true and so every putt went in. At first people loved it but soon they realized that there was no longer any drama to the game so they stopped playing there. Next to it was a course where people always hit the shot they visualized but they tired of this place just as quickly. They realized that they could just stay home and play the game in their head.”
“And what about that place?” asked Marco, pointing to another area of trees and long grass.
“Ah yes, that course,” chuckled the old man. “That was perhaps the most surprising. On that course players could never know how they were scoring and so they could only think about the shot they were hitting and nothing else. As a wise man I can tell you that this is why anybody who played this course always shot their best round ever.”
“But then why is it abandoned?” asked Marco.
“Well, this is where it gets interesting,” replied the old man. “It turns out that people couldn’t stand not knowing how well they were playing until it was over. It wasn’t any fun having to wait to find out. They wanted to enjoy it while it happened.”
“And so where did these golfers end up playing?” asked Marco.
“Over there,” said the old man, pointing to a course next to a large lake. “Here, use this special telescope so you can see them in action.”
Marco peered through the telescope and saw all manner of golfer on this course. Some were cursing and throwing their clubs. Others were adding up numbers and muttering to themselves. Some were opening their wallets and nervously counting the money inside. Others were thrashing about in the woods looking for their golf balls.
“They don’t seem very happy,” said Marco, putting down the telescope.
“Well, go figure,” said the old man as he turned to go back to his cave. “They’d rather not know what’s going to happen and know what has happened. They had their chance, so screw ’em.”
Well, wasn’t that great? Good night, sleep tight.