Golfing with the candidates
We know Obama golfs, but as for the field of people who want his job, I have no idea who plays and who doesn’t. But that shouldn’t stop us from imagining what the conversation would sound like if you were golfing with them:
Rick Perry: “Hey Rick, I kinda fell behind on the scoring here. What did you get on the last three holes? …What’s that? Okay, got it. But that’s just two, what about the third?”
Mitt Romney: “Mitt, bro, you are just an artist with that lob wedge. The way you just flip it under the ball and flop it on the green. There isn’t a tight position out here where you haven’t flopped your way out of it.”
Ron Paul: “That’s quite a bag you’ve got there. How many clubs is that anyway? Oh, twenty you say? Hey no worries, that’s cool. I hear you. I mean why should some regulatory tyrant interfere with your right to bear arms?”
Rick Santorum: “Oh sorry I didn’t see you there. Really, I didn’t know you were still playing.”
Michelle Bachmann: “What’s that? You’re saying a sport that involves stroking and cleaning little white balls promotes a gay lifestyle? Who told you that? Oh, of course: your husband.”
Herman Cain: “What’s with the three digit index? Sounds like you’re a ten to me.”
Jon Huntsman: “This is a practice round for you, right?”
Newt Gingrich: “I’m sure he’s learning the value of a good day’s work, but just how old is your caddy? Eight?”
Way past their shelf life
It’s the season so I’m making a list and checking it twice. Only this is a list of expressions or tag lines about the game that are way past their expiration date:
“A good walk spoiled” That’s dog ownership, not golf. I don’t walk off the 18th with a bag of animal shit in my hand.
“Drive for show, putt for dough” They’ve done the stats and the shots that can really penalize you are the ones far away from the hole. Really. If you don’t believe me, read my book. Think about it this way: when was the last time you were penalized stroke and distance for a putt?
“Same guy” (As in the comment made after a provisional tee shot splits the fairway.) No, not really. That second ball was struck by somebody who just learned a valuable lesson and is now applying it. For just a brief moment he was a changed man. The other guy will be back soon, don’t worry.