Well, well, it has been a while, hasn’t it? Full-time employment will do that. When I last posted the follow-up was going to address the topic of “What is the Purpose of Bad Golf?” We’ll get back to that eventually, but right now, let’s get seasonal.
And by that I’m talking about viewing the symbols, songs and stories of the holiday season from a golfing perspective. In other words, what is the Golf Version of the Holidays? Everybody’s making lists this time of year, so here’s mine:
Hanukkah: In the Golf version, an intrepid band of golfers save their course from being plowed under for a condo development. In celebration, they gather at the first tee to play their course once again, even though they know that there’s only enough daylight left to play one hole. But then a great miracle takes place and it stays light long enough for them to play eight more holes. They get to play the Front Nine!
The 12 Days of Christmas: In this version you get a club a day. What? You want to know what happened to the other two? Listen, you know you can’t hit a 3-iron to save your life and in your hands a lob wedge might as well be a shovel. Your true love is doing you a favor.
The wreath: May the hole look this big every time you have a “must make” putt.
Christmas trees: This is what happens to every and any tree that has ever knocked down a shot of yours. They are cut down, and dragged into houses where hot lights and ornaments are wrapped around their limbs. People look at them in their garish captivity and then they’re cast out on to the street where they’re collected and ground into mulch. Let that be a warning to them! Maybe they’ll think twice about messing with our golf balls.
The three wise men: The foursome you wish you played in.
“Jingle Bells”: Rattle clubs, rattle clubs, rattle all the way, you can hear me walking from about a mile away!
A Christmas Carol: If Dickens had been a golfer, old Scrooge would have been the same jerk, only Tiny Tim is the caddy that he mistreats. In this version he has the same cycle of dreams, but in his dream of Golf in his Future he sees how feeble his swing is, how much age has eroded his game and he awakes chastened and realizes that he has to appreciate the game that he plays, instead of whining and bitching about it.
That’s it for now. I hope everybody has a great holiday season!